Marriage Resiliency

It is an interesting question of whether a person should find that significant other that is totally like them in every way to help balance life especially in the hard times. As much as people are bird watchers, I am a people watcher. I love the fact that everyone is different in their own ways and I find it interesting how other couples interact. Pondering this question while at the hospital last night I noticed how different people reacted to the circumstance that they found themselves in (often when I witness situations such as this I find myself talking to them, but this time I just stayed an observer).

There is no greater times of stress for families and couples than when they have a loved one in the hospital that is either critically injured or is about to pass away. What I noticed out of the couples that I "watched" was that while waiting on some "news" the men and women in those relationships were different in their behaviors, demeanor, and even their likes. Example: The men would either read a magazine from the table, usually a fishing or hunting magazine, while the women would either be talking to other people in the waiting room or on their phones talking. When the "news" came the two came together to console or rejoice with the other regardless of how alike or different they were in that situation.

Another example of people watching is that of being in a coffee shop. There are a variety of the different kinds of couples in coffee shops. There are those that just met and then there are those who have been together for years that just have made a habit of going to the coffee shop to spend time together. It doesn't take long to notice the differences between those who have just newly met and those who have been married or together for years. The new couple is young and just gabbing away discussing their future and the many things that they have in common. Then there is the older couple who is sitting at the table together that will occassionally share a short discussion, but they are reading their newspaper and usually more in solitude. The older couple is usually reading something totally opposite of their mate.

Though these are simple examples and doesn't go into detail the total differences of couples however; it does prove a statement that Deal stated, "When boy meets girl-and boy falls in love with girl-there is a lot of chemistry that is visible to any observer: extended smiles, gazing at each other, gestures that communicate an openness to each other, elation when you hear from them, random acts of kindness, and the like" (Deal, 2012, p.117). At this point when chemistry is so high between the two it can be impossible to tell whether or not the couple is really alike or not. They may have a lot in common such as music, hiking, climbing, fitness, or another of variety of things, but I would say that it is almost nearly impossible to find that perfect someone that one male is perfectly similar to their future mate especially enough to help out during times of adversity. Differences in relationships can be used to or should compliment the differences in each other.

Throughout the Bible and even today there are cultures that have arranged marriages based on the only commonality that their families want them to be together. The very first marriage recorded in the Bible was an arranged marriage by God. The one commonality that they had and what we have today is that they were created in God's image. Hawkins points out that the word helpmeet mentioned in Genesis was derived from, "two Hebrew words: ezer and neged" (Hawkins, 1991, p.14). The two words combined meant that they were created to complement eachother to form a team. Hawkins again points out that, "Adam and Eve were created to complement each other in physiological procreation (Genesis 1:28) and psychological differences" (Hawkins, p. 15). This was God's plan from the very beginning that man and woman would be different to be a team!

If there isn't true likeness in each other as mates then what is the answer because, maybe at first the couple may seem to be so much alike because of the chemistry, but later the chemistry will lower to normal levels and there will definitely be evidence of being so much different. (If it were not so there wouldn't be so many publications on the subject. Anyone remember the phrase men are from mars and woman are from venus?) The best answer I have seen on this subject comes from Hawkins when discussing adaptation. He stated, "When a couple can appreciate their differences and adapt to meeting one another's needs within the context of those differences, intimacy can thrive" (Hawkins, 1991, 87). This is where a couple will find success in thier relationships even in times of stress and adversity; adapting rather than ending the relationship because they were not who each other thought they were.

References

Deal, Ron L. (2012). Dating and the single parent. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Bethany House Publisers.

Hawkins, Ronald E. (1991). Strengthening marital intimacy. Kearney, Nebraska: Morris Publishing.